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1.5 yr later update of my knife-wielding FMIL; things are worse than ever and really impacting my relationship with my GF

Backstory/ first post from Oct 2017
My gf and I have been in a long distance relationship for two years ago. I’m 30, she’s almost 24. I wrote this about 6 months into our relationship (couldn’t remember old account password): https://www.reddit.com/JUSTNOMIL/comments/787f4k/gfs_22f_moms_crazy_behavior_is_straining_ou?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ios_share_flow_optimization&utm_term=control_1
it’s a doozy. Long, long story short it was looking for advice not only on various crazy outbursts including knife-wielding, but on my gf’s mom controlling her life. Her mom can’t understand my relationship is with my gf, not her. Things worked out for a month or so after writing that...until my gf said she wanted to end things. A few weeks after that, I fly out at the holidays and we work things out.
It was during this visit I found out for over a month while we were together she had not only been on tinder talking to other guys and having explicit conversations, but trying to meet up with a few. I was devastated by what I saw. Really crushed. One of the guys had a gf at the time and they were both talking about keeping it a secret, etc. This asshole will return later in the story.
But I forgave her. I let her know it could never happen again though, and the guys you tried meeting with need to be out of your life. We get back together and a year and a half later, here we are. Before I go into the story prompting this post, let me give a rundown of the litany of terrible things that have happened, most in the last 1.5 yrs since writing my original post:
Examples
Her mom is controlling her relationships. That’s not right. In the post I made a year and a half ago I said “she shows no signs of her mother’s traits at all”. It’s taken a complete 180. Yes, she’s still amazing with kids and all the other stuff I liked, etc, but the single biggest thing her mom does, saying she wants X then moments later reversing and saying she wants Y, is something I see a lot in my gf now.
Recent events prompting this post
Pre-Visit
The recent chain of events: last three visits in a row were flying to see me (thanksgiving break, after Christmas, and in March) because as I tried telling her, once she starts working in summer it will be difficult for her to take long periods off and far easier for me to visit her (working from home). Next planned visit perfectly coincided with her graduation and early summer: I’d fly out to her, we would go to a cabin in Gettysburg for my birthday, do half a week in Atlantic City to celebrate graduation, then after graduation day her mom got a free stay in a casino in Maryland for the weekend as her graduation present (ugh) and then we would fly back to my place together to spend a week.
Maryland and my place never ended up happening. During this time my gf was applying to grad school, hoping to get into a one year program because she said she couldn’t afford two yr. It became a sort of tug of war between me and her mom: me encouraging grad school (even 2 yr programs) and her mom demanding she start working right away. Long story, well, it shouldn’t surprise you who she listened to. So what was once her mom yelling at my gf about not going to grad school became yelling about getting a job.
Things take a new turn when two weeks before I were to leave, her mom goes through everything in her room: she read through every single private letter, note, picture, memento, anything (and there’s a lot) that my gf has from me. My gf smokes a good amount of weed and I sent her rolling papers (the very very legal kind you can get at any corner gas station). Her mom flips out, gf has to stay with friends for a few days. Her mom calls me, calls MY mom, and messages a police chief friend of hers (later says this never happened but I saw the screenshots and it looked legit) that I’m a drug dealer.
At this point I’m not mad, I’m scared. The women who’s shown she consistently cries wolf now might try to get me in trouble for something that is a TOTAL fabrication? In her text to me she said I can forget about Maryland and staying at there house. So, for the weekend in between Gettysburg and Atlantic City I arrange to stay at my buddy’s house, and get my ticket to return right after her graduation, skipping the Maryland weekend.
The mom’s crocodile tears got my gf. EVERY day for two weeks prior to leaving every conversation would devolve into pouting “why can’t you come to Maryland”? We literally couldn’t even plan Gettysburg, Atlantic City, or graduation details because she refused to move on past Maryland. I tried explaining: with the INTENSE episode that’s happened the last few weeks, don’t you think a little space is a good thing? I have all summer, The rest of my life to spend time with them. Serious shit just went down and considering past history (not to mention how busy we will be with my birthday and your grad celebrating) it’s ok to skip this weekend- not to mention I already bought my ticket.
Then it became “why can’t you call my mom and apologize?” She wanted me to call her parents and apologize because her parents went through her stuff and all my private mementos and accused me of heinous deeds. I was in disbelief. But my gf was so, SO dead set. I relented and called them: the call lasted 90 seconds. I said one sentence (about how she dug through her daughters stuff), she flipped out, and hung up on me.
My gf briefly sides with me then a day later is back to pouting, “why can’t you call my parents againnn?” Long story short I did. We talked fine about nothing new (“we just want to get to know you more”, etc) and I explained how going off what she told me, I purchased my ticket to come back before the Maryland weekend.
During the visit
My gf still pouts until the day I leave. The first day we are together is wonderful as always, but then the fights start again. The first one on day 2 was small (me wanting to spend time at her place while her parents are gone) but then my birthday the next day another fight erupts. I was annoyed how the whole day she kept making quips like (I’m paraphrasing), “better do what you want on your birthday today because tomorrow is back to normal!”, contrast that to what I do for her, calling it a birthWEEK and try to make the whole week special for her. Sex the night of my birthday is a disaster, a huge fight erupts and I’m shaken to the core: it would be bad enough anytime but on my birthday?
The next day she barely says a word until about 3pm; then things go back to normal for a couple days. The night we left I planned a beautiful sunset picnic overlooking the whole park, but her mom keeps badgering her via text the whole time, “why haven’t you left yet?!”. A girl in her mid-20s can’t make decisions on her own?
I spend the weekend at my friends, we have fun. Gf is at home and guess what- her mom is having another fit. I have her admit that had I stayed there, things would have just been worse.
The next few days in Atlantic City is relatively fine but at this point I’m not happy. I’m demoralized and disheartened. I was grumpy twice that I can remember, about little things. Twice we had to go to the bank that week to send her mom winnings (we don’t gamble but casinos have “free play” so of course we used it).
Graduation is fine, wonderful actually: I’m so, so proud of her. I make sure to get about 1,000 photos on my nice camera of her (her family just had cell phones.)
Post-visit up to now
Remember how after Maryland she was going to come visit me for a week before starting work? I wanted to prioritize spending time with her on my visit so I waited to plan her visit til I returned. Instead of seeing me around Memorial Day (when I had off, it worked out perfectly), her mom got her a room in Atlantic City (you have to gamble a lot to get comped rooms on a holiday weekend). Instead of seeing me on a perfect, free week, she did something she can do literally any weekend this summer. I was not happy. I told her how she’s going to be starting work and won’t have as much time to visit me, coupled with the fact for two years I have planned (and paid) for every trip.
I’m slightly more distant for a few days, but when she has to go to an MRI and turns out she has a litany of back problems, I’m there for her. She would text me in pain every morning, called me sobbing after her mri results two weeks ago. She also starts her new job around Memorial Day; I figure between the intense back pain and the stress of the new job, she’s busy. We go days without phone talking, yet just a few weeks earlier I’d spend hours a day on the phone with her. I think something is off but she did say “I’m so busy I don’t even want to talk to my parents when I get home.” I know the feeling well so of course I just give her space.
I rarely use social media, I logged onto Instagram and noticed her newest picture and my heart sank. The guy she tried cheating with a year and half ago liked it. He now follows her and she follows him.
I’m in shock. I call her and she keeps me waiting for 90 minutes before she calls back. I said how could you associate with him? You literally promised to me you wouldn’t? Her best friend was hooking up with a guy cheating on his gf for a year and allllllllll my gf did was bash it and talk about how morally repugnant it was...what was her reply now? “I don’t care”. She goes on to clarify that what she did a year and a half ago wasn’t “real” cheating but “emotional” cheating. I tell her that’s cosmo Snapchat story bullshit.
And that when she started going into how she wanted to break up. It was an exact repeat of what happened a year and a half ago: huge fight ensures with her mom, she looks for attention from other guys and tries to break up.
She says the biggest issue is that I don’t want to spend time with her family. Second issue how she wants to live by her family. And third, the how much fighting we’ve been doing lately.
What I’m about to say is mean and unfair. I don’t like it, but I’m trying to be honest in this post: I’ve given her family more time and opportunities than any other guy would put up with.
Second, I’ve told her multiple times: I don’t care where we live, but it’s ridiculous to plan your whole life just so you can stay around parents who treat you like shit (and like I’ve told her: your mom should be moving where you go!). As for her third point, yeah there have been a lot of fights...but don’t you realize 98% of them stem from/involve your mother in some way?
I should add, my gf is a regular smoker and hasn’t smoked weed in about two months (even though she’s had her job for three weeks now, I feel like her mom still has her scared about it)
So...
I’m just sort of taken aback on every level. It feels like the same thing from a year and a half ago is happening all over again; and the thing that kills me is how GOOD and supportive I am to her. I swear I don’t mean it as hubris I’m just being honest: I’ve been there every step of the way with her, I’ve been her one steady, consistent rock; I’ve never had anything but her best interests in mind. It’s like...it’s the principle at this point: you’re trying to break up with me? Is this a joke?
Clearly I’m a fool for going along with this, but you have to understand there are about 10,000 little examples that gave me hope, that made me think maybe things would improve- and, for a while, seemed to be clear evidence it was, like all the times she said she wanted to move in with me. I feel like for many months it was headed that way, and all came crashing down recently.
So many of the posts I see here involve supportive significant others who know how bad the situation is...How can someone who has it so much worse than many of the stories I’ve read here (not that it’s a contest, just comparatively speaking) still defend everything her mom does and spurn all the times I’ve been her shoulder to cry on? Is my gf’s callous behavior coming from within or a product of all this maternal discord?
TL;DR: long list of examples of FMIL crazy behavio summary of current fighting between us going on the last month or two/ culminating in my gf talking to guy she cheated with and trying to end things. I feel like my gf’s cold and hurtful behavior has her mother at its roots.
submitted by desperateforadvice13 to JUSTNOMIL [link] [comments]

Two years of enduring my [30m] gf’s [23f] defense of her mom’s horrid behavior is deteriorating our relationship...now she’s talking with a guy she tried cheating on me with

Many people in JUSTNOMIL told me to post this here. It’s copied verbatim except for the title.
Backstory/ first post from Oct 2017
My gf and I have been in a long distance relationship for two years ago. I’m 30, she’s almost 24. I wrote this about 6 months into our relationship (couldn’t remember old account password): https://www.reddit.com/JUSTNOMIL/comments/787f4k/gfs_22f_moms_crazy_behavior_is_straining_ou?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ios_share_flow_optimization&utm_term=control_1
it’s a doozy. Long, long story short it was looking for advice not only on various crazy outbursts including knife-wielding, but on my gf’s mom controlling her life. Her mom can’t understand my relationship is with my gf, not her. Things worked out for a month or so after writing that...until my gf said she wanted to end things. A few weeks after that, I fly out at the holidays and we work things out.
It was during this visit I found out for over a month while we were together she had not only been on tinder talking to other guys and having explicit conversations, but trying to meet up with a few. I was devastated by what I saw. Really crushed. One of the guys had a gf at the time and they were both talking about keeping it a secret, etc. This asshole will return later in the story.
But I forgave her. I let her know it could never happen again though, and the guys you tried meeting with need to be out of your life. We get back together and a year and a half later, here we are. Before I go into the story prompting this post, let me give a rundown of the litany of terrible things that have happened, most in the last 1.5 yrs since writing my original post:
Examples
Her mom is controlling her relationships. That’s not right. In the post I made a year and a half ago I said “she shows no signs of her mother’s traits at all”. It’s taken a complete 180. Yes, she’s still amazing with kids and all the other stuff I liked, etc, but the single biggest thing her mom does, saying she wants X then moments later reversing and saying she wants Y, is something I see a lot in my gf now.
Recent events prompting this post
Pre-Visit
The recent chain of events: last three visits in a row were flying to see me (thanksgiving break, after Christmas, and in March) because as I tried telling her, once she starts working in summer it will be difficult for her to take long periods off and far easier for me to visit her (working from home). Next planned visit perfectly coincided with her graduation and early summer: I’d fly out to her, we would go to a cabin in Gettysburg for my birthday, do half a week in Atlantic City to celebrate graduation, then after graduation day her mom got a free stay in a casino in Maryland for the weekend as her graduation present (ugh) and then we would fly back to my place together to spend a week.
Maryland and my place never ended up happening. During this time my gf was applying to grad school, hoping to get into a one year program because she said she couldn’t afford two yr. It became a sort of tug of war between me and her mom: me encouraging grad school (even 2 yr programs) and her mom demanding she start working right away. Long story, well, it shouldn’t surprise you who she listened to. So what was once her mom yelling at my gf about not going to grad school became yelling about getting a job.
Things take a new turn when two weeks before I were to leave, her mom goes through everything in her room: she read through every single private letter, note, picture, memento, anything (and there’s a lot) that my gf has from me. My gf smokes a good amount of weed and I sent her rolling papers (the very very legal kind you can get at any corner gas station). Her mom flips out, gf has to stay with friends for a few days. Her mom calls me, calls MY mom, and messages a police chief friend of hers (later says this never happened but I saw the screenshots and it looked legit) that I’m a drug dealer.
At this point I’m not mad, I’m scared. The women who’s shown she consistently cries wolf now might try to get me in trouble for something that is a TOTAL fabrication? In her text to me she said I can forget about Maryland and staying at there house. So, for the weekend in between Gettysburg and Atlantic City I arrange to stay at my buddy’s house, and get my ticket to return right after her graduation, skipping the Maryland weekend.
The mom’s crocodile tears got my gf. EVERY day for two weeks prior to leaving every conversation would devolve into pouting “why can’t you come to Maryland”? We literally couldn’t even plan Gettysburg, Atlantic City, or graduation details because she refused to move on past Maryland. I tried explaining: with the INTENSE episode that’s happened the last few weeks, don’t you think a little space is a good thing? I have all summer, The rest of my life to spend time with them. Serious shit just went down and considering past history (not to mention how busy we will be with my birthday and your grad celebrating) it’s ok to skip this weekend- not to mention I already bought my ticket.
Then it became “why can’t you call my mom and apologize?” She wanted me to call her parents and apologize because her parents went through her stuff and all my private mementos and accused me of heinous deeds. I was in disbelief. But my gf was so, SO dead set. I relented and called them: the call lasted 90 seconds. I said one sentence (about how she dug through her daughters stuff), she flipped out, and hung up on me.
My gf briefly sides with me then a day later is back to pouting, “why can’t you call my parents againnn?” Long story short I did. We talked fine about nothing new (“we just want to get to know you more”, etc) and I explained how going off what she told me, I purchased my ticket to come back before the Maryland weekend.
During the visit
My gf still pouts until the day I leave. The first day we are together is wonderful as always, but then the fights start again. The first one on day 2 was small (me wanting to spend time at her place while her parents are gone) but then my birthday the next day another fight erupts. I was annoyed how the whole day she kept making quips like (I’m paraphrasing), “better do what you want on your birthday today because tomorrow is back to normal!”, contrast that to what I do for her, calling it a birthWEEK and try to make the whole week special for her. Sex the night of my birthday is a disaster, a huge fight erupts and I’m shaken to the core: it would be bad enough anytime but on my birthday?
The next day she barely says a word until about 3pm; then things go back to normal for a couple days. The night we left I planned a beautiful sunset picnic overlooking the whole park, but her mom keeps badgering her via text the whole time, “why haven’t you left yet?!”. A girl in her mid-20s can’t make decisions on her own?
I spend the weekend at my friends, we have fun. Gf is at home and guess what- her mom is having another fit. I have her admit that had I stayed there, things would have just been worse.
The next few days in Atlantic City is relatively fine but at this point I’m not happy. I’m demoralized and disheartened. I was grumpy twice that I can remember, about little things. Twice we had to go to the bank that week to send her mom winnings (we don’t gamble but casinos have “free play” so of course we used it).
Graduation is fine, wonderful actually: I’m so, so proud of her. I make sure to get about 1,000 photos on my nice camera of her (her family just had cell phones.)
Post-visit up to now
Remember how after Maryland she was going to come visit me for a week before starting work? I wanted to prioritize spending time with her on my visit so I waited to plan her visit til I returned. Instead of seeing me around Memorial Day (when I had off, it worked out perfectly), her mom got her a room in Atlantic City (you have to gamble a lot to get comped rooms on a holiday weekend). Instead of seeing me on a perfect, free week, she did something she can do literally any weekend this summer. I was not happy. I told her how she’s going to be starting work and won’t have as much time to visit me, coupled with the fact for two years I have planned (and paid) for every trip.
I’m slightly more distant for a few days, but when she has to go to an MRI and turns out she has a litany of back problems, I’m there for her. She would text me in pain every morning, called me sobbing after her mri results two weeks ago. She also starts her new job around Memorial Day; I figure between the intense back pain and the stress of the new job, she’s busy. We go days without phone talking, yet just a few weeks earlier I’d spend hours a day on the phone with her. I think something is off but she did say “I’m so busy I don’t even want to talk to my parents when I get home.” I know the feeling well so of course I just give her space.
I rarely use social media, I logged onto Instagram and noticed her newest picture and my heart sank. The guy she tried cheating with a year and half ago liked it. He now follows her and she follows him.
I’m in shock. I call her and she keeps me waiting for 90 minutes before she calls back. I said how could you associate with him? You literally promised to me you wouldn’t? Her best friend was hooking up with a guy cheating on his gf for a year and allllllllll my gf did was bash it and talk about how morally repugnant it was...what was her reply now? “I don’t care”. She goes on to clarify that what she did a year and a half ago wasn’t “real” cheating but “emotional” cheating. I tell her that’s cosmo Snapchat story bullshit.
And that when she started going into how she wanted to break up. It was an exact repeat of what happened a year and a half ago: huge fight ensures with her mom, she looks for attention from other guys and tries to break up.
She says the biggest issue is that I don’t want to spend time with her family. Second issue how she wants to live by her family. And third, the how much fighting we’ve been doing lately.
What I’m about to say is mean and unfair. I don’t like it, but I’m trying to be honest in this post: I’ve given her family more time and opportunities than any other guy would put up with.
Second, I’ve told her multiple times: I don’t care where we live, but it’s ridiculous to plan your whole life just so you can stay around parents who treat you like shit (and like I’ve told her: your mom should be moving where you go!). As for her third point, yeah there have been a lot of fights...but don’t you realize 98% of them stem from/involve your mother in some way?
I should add, my gf is a regular smoker and hasn’t smoked weed in about two months (even though she’s had her job for three weeks now, I feel like her mom still has her scared about it)
So...
I’m just sort of taken aback on every level. It feels like the same thing from a year and a half ago is happening all over again; and the thing that kills me is how GOOD and supportive I am to her. I swear I don’t mean it as hubris I’m just being honest: I’ve been there every step of the way with her, I’ve been her one steady, consistent rock; I’ve never had anything but her best interests in mind. It’s like...it’s the principle at this point: you’re trying to break up with me? Is this a joke?
Clearly I’m a fool for going along with this, but you have to understand there are about 10,000 little examples that gave me hope, that made me think maybe things would improve- and, for a while, seemed to be clear evidence it was, like all the times she said she wanted to move in with me. I feel like for many months it was headed that way, and all came crashing down recently.
So many of the posts I see here involve supportive significant others who know how bad the situation is...How can someone who has it so much worse than many of the stories I’ve read here (not that it’s a contest, just comparatively speaking) still defend everything her mom does and spurn all the times I’ve been her shoulder to cry on? Is my gf’s callous behavior coming from within or a product of all this maternal discord?
TL;DR: long list of examples of FMIL crazy behavio summary of current fighting between us going on the last month or two/ culminating in my gf talking to guy she cheated with and trying to end things. I feel like my gf’s cold and hurtful behavior has her mother at its roots.
Backstory/ first post from Oct 2017
My gf and I have been in a long distance relationship for two years ago. I’m 30, she’s almost 24. I wrote this about 6 months into our relationship (couldn’t remember old account password): https://www.reddit.com/JUSTNOMIL/comments/787f4k/gfs_22f_moms_crazy_behavior_is_straining_ou?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ios_share_flow_optimization&utm_term=control_1
it’s a doozy. Long, long story short it was looking for advice not only on various crazy outbursts including knife-wielding, but on my gf’s mom controlling her life. Her mom can’t understand my relationship is with my gf, not her. Things worked out for a month or so after writing that...until my gf said she wanted to end things. A few weeks after that, I fly out at the holidays and we work things out.
It was during this visit I found out for over a month while we were together she had not only been on tinder talking to other guys and having explicit conversations, but trying to meet up with a few. I was devastated by what I saw. Really crushed. One of the guys had a gf at the time and they were both talking about keeping it a secret, etc. This asshole will return later in the story.
But I forgave her. I let her know it could never happen again though, and the guys you tried meeting with need to be out of your life. We get back together and a year and a half later, here we are. Before I go into the story prompting this post, let me give a rundown of the litany of terrible things that have happened, most in the last 1.5 yrs since writing my original post:
Examples
Her mom is controlling her relationships. That’s not right. In the post I made a year and a half ago I said “she shows no signs of her mother’s traits at all”. It’s taken a complete 180. Yes, she’s still amazing with kids and all the other stuff I liked, etc, but the single biggest thing her mom does, saying she wants X then moments later reversing and saying she wants Y, is something I see a lot in my gf now.
Recent events prompting this post
Pre-Visit
The recent chain of events: last three visits in a row were flying to see me (thanksgiving break, after Christmas, and in March) because as I tried telling her, once she starts working in summer it will be difficult for her to take long periods off and far easier for me to visit her (working from home). Next planned visit perfectly coincided with her graduation and early summer: I’d fly out to her, we would go to a cabin in Gettysburg for my birthday, do half a week in Atlantic City to celebrate graduation, then after graduation day her mom got a free stay in a casino in Maryland for the weekend as her graduation present (ugh) and then we would fly back to my place together to spend a week.
Maryland and my place never ended up happening. During this time my gf was applying to grad school, hoping to get into a one year program because she said she couldn’t afford two yr. It became a sort of tug of war between me and her mom: me encouraging grad school (even 2 yr programs) and her mom demanding she start working right away. Long story, well, it shouldn’t surprise you who she listened to. So what was once her mom yelling at my gf about not going to grad school became yelling about getting a job.
Things take a new turn when two weeks before I were to leave, her mom goes through everything in her room: she read through every single private letter, note, picture, memento, anything (and there’s a lot) that my gf has from me. My gf smokes a good amount of weed and I sent her rolling papers (the very very legal kind you can get at any corner gas station). Her mom flips out, gf has to stay with friends for a few days. Her mom calls me, calls MY mom, and messages a police chief friend of hers (later says this never happened but I saw the screenshots and it looked legit) that I’m a drug dealer.
At this point I’m not mad, I’m scared. The women who’s shown she consistently cries wolf now might try to get me in trouble for something that is a TOTAL fabrication? In her text to me she said I can forget about Maryland and staying at there house. So, for the weekend in between Gettysburg and Atlantic City I arrange to stay at my buddy’s house, and get my ticket to return right after her graduation, skipping the Maryland weekend.
The mom’s crocodile tears got my gf. EVERY day for two weeks prior to leaving every conversation would devolve into pouting “why can’t you come to Maryland”? We literally couldn’t even plan Gettysburg, Atlantic City, or graduation details because she refused to move on past Maryland. I tried explaining: with the INTENSE episode that’s happened the last few weeks, don’t you think a little space is a good thing? I have all summer, The rest of my life to spend time with them. Serious shit just went down and considering past history (not to mention how busy we will be with my birthday and your grad celebrating) it’s ok to skip this weekend- not to mention I already bought my ticket.
Then it became “why can’t you call my mom and apologize?” She wanted me to call her parents and apologize because her parents went through her stuff and all my private mementos and accused me of heinous deeds. I was in disbelief. But my gf was so, SO dead set. I relented and called them: the call lasted 90 seconds. I said one sentence (about how she dug through her daughters stuff), she flipped out, and hung up on me.
My gf briefly sides with me then a day later is back to pouting, “why can’t you call my parents againnn?” Long story short I did. We talked fine about nothing new (“we just want to get to know you more”, etc) and I explained how going off what she told me, I purchased my ticket to come back before the Maryland weekend.
During the visit
My gf still pouts until the day I leave. The first day we are together is wonderful as always, but then the fights start again. The first one on day 2 was small (me wanting to spend time at her place while her parents are gone) but then my birthday the next day another fight erupts. I was annoyed how the whole day she kept making quips like (I’m paraphrasing), “better do what you want on your birthday today because tomorrow is back to normal!”, contrast that to what I do for her, calling it a birthWEEK and try to make the whole week special for her. Sex the night of my birthday is a disaster, a huge fight erupts and I’m shaken to the core: it would be bad enough anytime but on my birthday?
The next day she barely says a word until about 3pm; then things go back to normal for a couple days. The night we left I planned a beautiful sunset picnic overlooking the whole park, but her mom keeps badgering her via text the whole time, “why haven’t you left yet?!”. A girl in her mid-20s can’t make decisions on her own?
I spend the weekend at my friends, we have fun. Gf is at home and guess what- her mom is having another fit. I have her admit that had I stayed there, things would have just been worse.
The next few days in Atlantic City is relatively fine but at this point I’m not happy. I’m demoralized and disheartened. I was grumpy twice that I can remember, about little things. Twice we had to go to the bank that week to send her mom winnings (we don’t gamble but casinos have “free play” so of course we used it).
Graduation is fine, wonderful actually: I’m so, so proud of her. I make sure to get about 1,000 photos on my nice camera of her (her family just had cell phones.)
Post-visit up to now
Remember how after Maryland she was going to come visit me for a week before starting work? I wanted to prioritize spending time with her on my visit so I waited to plan her visit til I returned. Instead of seeing me around Memorial Day (when I had off, it worked out perfectly), her mom got her a room in Atlantic City (you have to gamble a lot to get comped rooms on a holiday weekend). Instead of seeing me on a perfect, free week, she did something she can do literally any weekend this summer. I was not happy. I told her how she’s going to be starting work and won’t have as much time to visit me, coupled with the fact for two years I have planned (and paid) for every trip.
I’m slightly more distant for a few days, but when she has to go to an MRI and turns out she has a litany of back problems, I’m there for her. She would text me in pain every morning, called me sobbing after her mri results two weeks ago. She also starts her new job around Memorial Day; I figure between the intense back pain and the stress of the new job, she’s busy. We go days without phone talking, yet just a few weeks earlier I’d spend hours a day on the phone with her. I think something is off but she did say “I’m so busy I don’t even want to talk to my parents when I get home.” I know the feeling well so of course I just give her space.
I rarely use social media, I logged onto Instagram and noticed her newest picture and my heart sank. The guy she tried cheating with a year and half ago liked it. He now follows her and she follows him.
I’m in shock. I call her and she keeps me waiting for 90 minutes before she calls back. I said how could you associate with him? You literally promised to me you wouldn’t? Her best friend was hooking up with a guy cheating on his gf for a year and allllllllll my gf did was bash it and talk about how morally repugnant it was...what was her reply now? “I don’t care”. She goes on to clarify that what she did a year and a half ago wasn’t “real” cheating but “emotional” cheating. I tell her that’s cosmo Snapchat story bullshit.
And that when she started going into how she wanted to break up. It was an exact repeat of what happened a year and a half ago: huge fight ensures with her mom, she looks for attention from other guys and tries to break up.
She says the biggest issue is that I don’t want to spend time with her family. Second issue how she wants to live by her family. And third, the how much fighting we’ve been doing lately.
What I’m about to say is mean and unfair. I don’t like it, but I’m trying to be honest in this post: I’ve given her family more time and opportunities than any other guy would put up with.
Second, I’ve told her multiple times: I don’t care where we live, but it’s ridiculous to plan your whole life just so you can stay around parents who treat you like shit (and like I’ve told her: your mom should be moving where you go!). As for her third point, yeah there have been a lot of fights...but don’t you realize 98% of them stem from/involve your mother in some way?
I should add, my gf is a regular smoker and hasn’t smoked weed in about two months (even though she’s had her job for three weeks now, I feel like her mom still has her scared about it)
So...
I’m just sort of taken aback on every level. It feels like the same thing from a year and a half ago is happening all over again; and the thing that kills me is how GOOD and supportive I am to her. I swear I don’t mean it as hubris I’m just being honest: I’ve been there every step of the way with her, I’ve been her one steady, consistent rock; I’ve never had anything but her best interests in mind. It’s like...it’s the principle at this point: you’re trying to break up with me? Is this a joke?
Clearly I’m a fool for going along with this, but you have to understand there are about 10,000 little examples that gave me hope, that made me think maybe things would improve- and, for a while, seemed to be clear evidence it was, like all the times she said she wanted to move in with me. I feel like for many months it was headed that way, and all came crashing down recently.
So many of the posts I see here involve supportive significant others who know how bad the situation is...How can someone who has it so much worse than many of the stories I’ve read here (not that it’s a contest, just comparatively speaking) still defend everything her mom does and spurn all the times I’ve been her shoulder to cry on? Is my gf’s callous behavior coming from within or a product of all this maternal discord?
TL;DR: long list of examples of FMIL crazy behavio summary of current fighting between us going on the last month or two/ culminating in my gf talking to guy she cheated with and trying to end things. I feel like my gf’s cold and hurtful behavior has her mother at its roots.
submitted by desperateforadvice13 to JustNoSO [link] [comments]

Two years of enduring my [30m] gf’s [23f] defense of her mom’s horrid behavior is deteriorating our relationship...now she’s talking with a guy she tried cheating on me with

My first post was removed for containing a link. I tried again and it was locked for using a synonym of “complain” that starts with a B and end with H. I hope this suffices
Backstory/ first post from Oct 2017
My gf and I have been in a long distance relationship for two years ago. I’m 30, she’s almost 24. I wrote this about 6 months into our relationship (couldn’t remember old account password): [now in comments because I guess I can’t include it here].
it’s a doozy. Long, long story short it was looking for advice not only on various crazy outbursts including knife-wielding, but on my gf’s mom controlling her life. Her mom can’t understand my relationship is with my gf, not her. Things worked out for a month or so after writing that...until my gf said she wanted to end things. A few weeks after that, I fly out at the holidays and we work things out.
It was during this visit I found out for over a month while we were together she had not only been on tinder talking to other guys and having explicit conversations, but trying to meet up with a few. I was devastated by what I saw. Really crushed. One of the guys had a gf at the time and they were both talking about keeping it a secret, etc. This asshole will return later in the story.
But I forgave her. I let her know it could never happen again though, and the guys you tried meeting with need to be out of your life. We get back together and a year and a half later, here we are. Before I go into the story prompting this post, let me give a rundown of the litany of terrible things that have happened, most in the last 1.5 yrs since writing my original post:
Examples
Her mom is controlling her relationships. That’s not right. In the post I made a year and a half ago I said “she shows no signs of her mother’s traits at all”. It’s taken a complete 180. Yes, she’s still amazing with kids and all the other stuff I liked, etc, but the single biggest thing her mom does, saying she wants X then moments later reversing and saying she wants Y, is something I see a lot in my gf now.
Recent events prompting this post
Pre-Visit
The recent chain of events: last three visits in a row were flying to see me (thanksgiving break, after Christmas, and in March) because as I tried telling her, once she starts working in summer it will be difficult for her to take long periods off and far easier for me to visit her (working from home). Next planned visit perfectly coincided with her graduation and early summer: I’d fly out to her, we would go to a cabin in Gettysburg for my birthday, do half a week in Atlantic City to celebrate graduation, then after graduation day her mom got a free stay in a casino in Maryland for the weekend as her graduation present (ugh) and then we would fly back to my place together to spend a week.
Maryland and my place never ended up happening. During this time my gf was applying to grad school, hoping to get into a one year program because she said she couldn’t afford two yr. It became a sort of tug of war between me and her mom: me encouraging grad school (even 2 yr programs) and her mom demanding she start working right away. Long story, well, it shouldn’t surprise you who she listened to. So what was once her mom yelling at my gf about not going to grad school became yelling about getting a job.
Things take a new turn when two weeks before I were to leave, her mom goes through everything in her room: she read through every single private letter, note, picture, memento, anything (and there’s a lot) that my gf has from me. My gf smokes a good amount of weed and I sent her rolling papers (the very very legal kind you can get at any corner gas station). Her mom flips out, my gf has to stay with friends for a few days. Her mom calls me, calls MY mom, and messages a police chief friend of hers (later says this never happened but I saw the screenshots and it looked legit) that I’m a drug dealer.
At this point I’m not mad, I’m scared. The women who’s shown she consistently cries wolf now might try to get me in trouble for something that is a TOTAL fabrication? In her text to me she said I can forget about Maryland and staying at there house. So, for the weekend in between Gettysburg and Atlantic City I arrange to stay at my buddy’s house, and get my ticket to return right after her graduation, skipping the Maryland weekend.
The mom’s crocodile tears got my gf. EVERY day for two weeks prior to leaving every conversation would devolve into pouting “why can’t you come to Maryland”? We literally couldn’t even plan Gettysburg, Atlantic City, or graduation details because she refused to move on past Maryland. I tried explaining: with the INTENSE episode that’s happened the last few weeks, don’t you think a little space is a good thing? I have all summer, The rest of my life to spend time with them. Serious shit just went down and considering past history (not to mention how busy we will be with my birthday and your grad celebrating) it’s ok to skip this weekend- not to mention I already bought my ticket.
Then it became “why can’t you call my mom and apologize?” She wanted me to call her parents and apologize because her parents went through her stuff and all my private mementos and accused me of heinous deeds. I was in disbelief. But my gf was so, SO dead set. I relented and called them: the call lasted 90 seconds. I said one sentence (about how she dug through her daughters stuff), she flipped out, and hung up on me.
My gf briefly sides with me then a day later is back to pouting, “why can’t you call my parents againnn?” Long story short I did. We talked fine about nothing new (“we just want to get to know you more”, etc) and I explained how going off what she told me, I purchased my ticket to come back before the Maryland weekend.
During the visit
My gf still pouts until the day I leave. The first day we are together is wonderful as always, but then the fights start again. The first one on day 2 was small (me wanting to spend time at her place while her parents are gone) but then my birthday the next day another fight erupts. I was annoyed how the whole day she kept making quips like (I’m paraphrasing), “better do what you want on your birthday today because tomorrow is back to normal!”, contrast that to what I do for her, calling it a birthWEEK and try to make the whole week special for her. Sex the night of my birthday is a disaster, a huge fight erupts and I’m shaken to the core: it would be bad enough anytime but on my birthday?
The next day she barely says a word until about 3pm; then things go back to normal for a couple days. The night we left I planned a beautiful sunset picnic overlooking the whole park, but her mom keeps badgering her via text the whole time, “why haven’t you left yet?!”. A girl in her mid-20s can’t make decisions on her own?
I spend the weekend at my friends, we have fun. Gf is at home and guess what- her mom is having another fit. I have her admit that had I stayed there, things would have just been worse.
The next few days in Atlantic City is relatively fine but at this point I’m not happy. I’m demoralized and disheartened. I was grumpy twice that I can remember, about little things. Twice we had to go to the bank that week to send her mom winnings (we don’t gamble but casinos have “free play” so of course we used it).
Graduation is fine, wonderful actually: I’m so, so proud of her. I make sure to get about 1,000 photos on my nice camera of her (her family just had cell phones.)
Post-visit up to now
Remember how after Maryland she was going to come visit me for a week before starting work? I wanted to prioritize spending time with her on my visit so I waited to plan her visit til I returned. Instead of seeing me around Memorial Day (when I had off, it worked out perfectly), her mom got her a room in Atlantic City (you have to gamble a lot to get comped rooms on a holiday weekend). Instead of seeing me on a perfect, free week, she did something she can do literally any weekend this summer. I was not happy. I told her how she’s going to be starting work and won’t have as much time to visit me, coupled with the fact for two years I have planned (and paid) for every trip.
I’m slightly more distant for a few days, but when she has to go to an MRI and turns out she has a litany of back problems, I’m there for her. She would text me in pain every morning, called me sobbing after her mri results two weeks ago. She also starts her new job around Memorial Day; I figure between the intense back pain and the stress of the new job, she’s busy. We go days without phone talking, yet just a few weeks earlier I’d spend hours a day on the phone with her. I think something is off but she did say “I’m so busy I don’t even want to talk to my parents when I get home.” I know the feeling well so of course I just give her space.
I rarely use social media, I logged onto Instagram and noticed her newest picture and my heart sank. The guy she tried cheating with a year and half ago liked it. He now follows her and she follows him.
I’m in shock. I call her and she keeps me waiting for 90 minutes before she calls back. I said how could you associate with him? You literally promised to me you wouldn’t? Her best friend was hooking up with a guy cheating on his gf for a year and allllllllll my gf did was bash it and talk about how morally repugnant it was...what was her reply now? “I don’t care”. She goes on to clarify that what she did a year and a half ago wasn’t “real” cheating but “emotional” cheating. I tell her that’s cosmo Snapchat story bullshit.
And that when she started going into how she wanted to break up. It was an exact repeat of what happened a year and a half ago: huge fight ensures with her mom, she looks for attention from other guys and tries to break up.
She says the biggest issue is that I don’t want to spend time with her family. Second issue how she wants to live by her family. And third, the how much fighting we’ve been doing lately.
What I’m about to say is mean and unfair. I don’t like it, but I’m trying to be honest in this post: I’ve given her family more time and opportunities than any other guy would put up with.
Second, I’ve told her multiple times: I don’t care where we live, but it’s ridiculous to plan your whole life just so you can stay around parents who treat you like shit (and like I’ve told her: your mom should be moving where you go!). As for her third point, yeah there have been a lot of fights...but don’t you realize 98% of them stem from/involve your mother in some way?
I should add, my gf is a regular smoker and hasn’t smoked weed in about two months (even though she’s had her job for three weeks now, I feel like her mom still has her scared about it)
So...
I’m just sort of taken aback on every level. It feels like the same thing from a year and a half ago is happening all over again; and the thing that kills me is how GOOD and supportive I am to her. I swear I don’t mean it as hubris I’m just being honest: I’ve been there every step of the way with her, I’ve been her one steady, consistent rock; I’ve never had anything but her best interests in mind. It’s like...it’s the principle at this point: you’re trying to break up with me? Is this a joke?
Clearly I’m a fool, but you have to understand there are about 10,000 little examples that gave me hope, that made me think maybe things would improve- and, for a while, seemed to be clear evidence it was, like all the times she said she wanted to move in with me. I feel like for many months it was headed that way, and all came crashing down recently.
Am I dealing with someone just emotionally stunted? How can someone who has it so bad still defend everything her mom does and spurn all the times I’ve been her shoulder to cry on? How can she be so cold and talk to a guy she knows she broke my heart with?
TL;DR: long list of examples of FMIL crazy behavio summary of current fighting between us going on the last month or two, culminating in my gf talking to guy she cheated with and trying to end things. I feel like my gf’s cold and hurtful behavior has her mother at its roots.
submitted by desperateforadvice13 to relationships [link] [comments]

Two years of enduring my [30m] gf’s [23f] defense of her mom’s horrid behavior is deteriorating our relationship...now she’s talking with a guy she tried cheating on me with

Backstory/ first post from Oct 2017
My gf and I have been in a long distance relationship for two years ago. I’m 30, she’s almost 24. I wrote this about 6 months into our relationship (couldn’t remember old account password): [now in comments because the relationships subreddit made me remove it so I figured I’d do it here too].
...it’s a doozy. Long, long story short it was looking for advice not only on various crazy outbursts including knife-wielding, but on my gf’s mom controlling her life. Her mom can’t understand my relationship is with my gf, not her. Things worked out for a month or so after writing that...until my gf said she wanted to end things. A few weeks after that, I fly out at the holidays and we work things out.
It was during this visit I found out for over a month while we were together she had not only been on tinder talking to other guys and having explicit conversations, but trying to meet up with a few. I was devastated by what I saw. Really crushed. One of the guys had a gf at the time and they were both talking about keeping it a secret, etc. This asshole will return later in the story.
But I forgave her. I let her know it could never happen again though, and the guys you tried meeting with need to be out of your life. We get back together and a year and a half later, here we are. Before I go into the story prompting this post, let me give a rundown of the litany of terrible things that have happened, most in the last 1.5 yrs since writing my original post:
Examples
Her mom is controlling her relationships. That’s not right. In the post I made a year and a half ago I said “she shows no signs of her mother’s traits at all”. It’s taken a complete 180. Yes, she’s still amazing with kids and all the other stuff I liked, etc, but the single biggest thing her mom does, saying she wants X then moments later reversing and saying she wants Y, is something I see a lot in my gf now.
Recent events prompting this post
Pre-Visit
The recent chain of events: last three visits in a row were flying to see me (thanksgiving break, after Christmas, and in March) because as I tried telling her, once she starts working in summer it will be difficult for her to take long periods off and far easier for me to visit her (working from home). Next planned visit perfectly coincided with her graduation and early summer: I’d fly out to her, we would go to a cabin in Gettysburg for my birthday, do half a week in Atlantic City to celebrate graduation, then after graduation day her mom got a free stay in a casino in Maryland for the weekend as her graduation present (ugh) and then we would fly back to my place together to spend a week.
Maryland and my place never ended up happening. During this time Emily was applying to grad school, hoping to get into a one year program because she said she couldn’t afford two yr. It became a sort of tug of war between me and her mom: me encouraging grad school (even 2 yr programs) and her mom demanding she start working right away. Long story, well, it shouldn’t surprise you who she listened to. So what was once her mom yelling at my gf about not going to grad school became yelling about getting a job.
Things take a new turn when two weeks before I were to leave, her mom goes through everything in her room: she read through every single private letter, note, picture, memento, anything (and there’s a lot) that my gf has from me. My gf smokes a good amount of weed and I sent her rolling papers (the very very legal kind you can get at any corner gas station). Her mom flips out, my gf has to stay with friends for a few days. Her mom calls me, calls MY mom, and messages a police chief friend of hers (later says this never happened but I saw the screenshots and it looked legit) that I’m a drug dealer.
At this point I’m not mad, I’m scared. The women who’s shown she consistently cries wolf now might try to get me in trouble for something that is a TOTAL fabrication? In her text to me she said I can forget about Maryland and staying at there house. So, for the weekend in between Gettysburg and Atlantic City I arrange to stay at my buddy’s house, and get my ticket to return right after her graduation, skipping the Maryland weekend.
The mom’s crocodile tears got my gf. EVERY day for two weeks prior to leaving every conversation would devolve into pouting “why can’t you come to Maryland”? We literally couldn’t even plan Gettysburg, Atlantic City, or graduation details because she refused to move on past Maryland. I tried explaining: with the INTENSE episode that’s happened the last few weeks, don’t you think a little space is a good thing? I have all summer, The rest of my life to spend time with them. Serious shit just went down and considering past history (not to mention how busy we will be with my birthday and your grad celebrating) it’s ok to skip this weekend- not to mention I already bought my ticket.
Then it became “why can’t you call my mom and apologize?” She wanted me to call her parents and apologize because her parents went through her stuff and all my private mementos and accused me of heinous deeds. I was in disbelief. But my gf was so, SO dead set. I relented and called them: the call lasted 90 seconds. I said one sentence (about how she dug through her daughters stuff), she flipped out, and hung up on me.
My gf briefly sides with me then a day later is back to pouting, “why can’t you call my parents againnn?” Long story short I did. We talked fine about nothing new (“we just want to get to know you more”, etc) and I explained how going off what she told me, I purchased my ticket to come back before the Maryland weekend.
During the visit
My gf still pouts until the day I leave. The first day we are together is wonderful as always, but then the fights start again. The first one on day 2 was small (me wanting to spend time at her place while her parents are gone) but then my birthday the next day another fight erupts. I was annoyed how the whole day she kept making quips like (I’m paraphrasing), “better do what you want on your birthday today because tomorrow is back to normal!”, contrast that to what I do for her, calling it a birthWEEK and try to make the whole week special for her. Sex the night of my birthday is a disaster, a huge fight erupts and I’m shaken to the core: it would be bad enough anytime but on my birthday?
The next day she barely says a word until about 3pm; then things go back to normal for a couple days. The night we left I planned a beautiful sunset picnic overlooking the whole park, but her mom keeps badgering her via text the whole time, “why haven’t you left yet?!”. A girl in her mid-20s can’t make decisions on her own?
I spend the weekend at my friends, we have fun. Gf is at home and guess what- her mom is having another fit. I have her admit that had I stayed there, things would have just been worse.
The next few days in Atlantic City is relatively fine but at this point I’m not happy. I’m demoralized and disheartened. I was grumpy twice that I can remember, about little things. Twice we had to go to the bank that week to send her mom winnings (we don’t gamble but casinos have “free play” so of course we used it).
Graduation is fine, wonderful actually: I’m so, so proud of her. I make sure to get about 1,000 photos on my nice camera of her (her family just had cell phones.)
Post-visit up to now
Remember how after Maryland she was going to come visit me for a week before starting work? I wanted to prioritize spending time with her on my visit so I waited to plan her visit til I returned. Instead of seeing me around Memorial Day (when I had off, it worked out perfectly), her mom got her a room in Atlantic City (you have to gamble a lot to get comped rooms on a holiday weekend). Instead of seeing me on a perfect, free week, she did something she can do literally any weekend this summer. I was not happy. I told her how she’s going to be starting work and won’t have as much time to visit me, coupled with the fact for two years I have planned (and paid) for every trip.
I’m slightly more distant for a few days, but when she has to go to an MRI and turns out she has a litany of back problems, I’m there for her. She would text me in pain every morning, called me sobbing after her mri results two weeks ago. She also starts her new job around Memorial Day; I figure between the intense back pain and the stress of the new job, she’s busy. We go days without phone talking, yet just a few weeks earlier I’d spend hours a day on the phone with her. I think something is off but she did say “I’m so busy I don’t even want to talk to my parents when I get home.” I know the feeling well so of course I just give her space.
I rarely use social media, I logged onto Instagram and noticed her newest picture and my heart sank. The guy she tried cheating with a year and half ago liked it. He now follows her and she follows him.
I’m in shock. I call her and she keeps me waiting for 90 minutes before she calls back. I said how could you associate with him? You literally promised to me you wouldn’t? Her best friend was hooking up with a guy cheating on his gf for a year and allllllllll my gf did was bash it and talk about how morally repugnant it was...what was her reply now? “I don’t care”. She goes on to clarify that what she did a year and a half ago wasn’t “real” cheating but “emotional” cheating. I tell her that’s cosmo Snapchat story bullshit.
And that when she started going into how she wanted to break up. It was an exact repeat of what happened a year and a half ago: huge fight ensures with her mom, she looks for attention from other guys and tries to break up.
She says the biggest issue is that I don’t want to spend time with her family. Second issue how she wants to live by her family. And third, the how much fighting we’ve been doing lately.
What I’m about to say is mean and unfair. I don’t like it, but I’m trying to be honest in this post: I’ve given her family more time and opportunities than any other guy would put up with.
Second, I’ve told her multiple times: I don’t care where we live, but it’s ridiculous to plan your whole life just so you can stay around parents who treat you like shit (and like I’ve told her: your mom should be moving where you go!). As for her third point, yeah there have been a lot of fights...but don’t you realize 98% of them stem from/involve your mother in some way?
I should add, my gf is a regular smoker and hasn’t smoked weed in about two months (even though she’s had her job for three weeks now, I feel like her mom still has her scared about it)
So...
I’m just sort of taken aback on every level. It feels like the same thing from a year and a half ago is happening all over again; and the thing that kills me is how GOOD and supportive I am to her. I swear I don’t mean it as hubris I’m just being honest: I’ve been there every step of the way with her, I’ve been her one steady, consistent rock; I’ve never had anything but her best interests in mind. It’s like...it’s the principle at this point: you’re trying to break up with me? Is this a joke?
Clearly I’m a fool, but you have to understand there are about 10,000 little examples that gave me hope, that made me think maybe things would improve- and, for a while, seemed to be clear evidence it was, like all the times she said she wanted to move in with me. I feel like for many months it was headed that way, and all came crashing down recently.
Am I dealing with someone just emotionally stunted? How can someone who has it so bad still defend everything her mom does and spurn all the times I’ve been her shoulder to cry on? How can she be so cold and talk to a guy she knows she broke my heart with?
TL;DR: long list of examples of FMIL crazy behavio summary of current fighting between us going on the last month or two, culminating in my gf talking to guy she cheated with and trying to end things. I feel like my gf’s cold and hurtful behavior has her mother at its roots.
submitted by desperateforadvice13 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

maryland live casino dealer salary video

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